My Little Miracle Baby

I was origanally going to post this back in February. But, I always stopped myself, because the experiences I went through while pregnant with Josh and after having him, are so tender to me. It's hard to put stuff out there like that sometimes.

But, then I thought, how can I NOT share how much my testimony has been strengthened through this experience? If there is just one person out there who had a doubt of Heavenly Father's love for each of us, and that He truly is a God of miracles, how could I not share that?

I feel like I need to share.

So, I am.

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I didn't really think that I could get pregnant again.

After I had Grace, and I was faced with the possibility of not being able to have any more children, I was really sad. Which felt silly, because I had two beautiful, healthy children, and who was I to complain about not having any more? I had already been blessed beyond measure.

In January 2009, I was saying my nightly prayer when I felt the unexpected impression that I would be able to have another baby. I cried.

And on April 10th last year, that feeling became a reality with a positive pregnancy test.

Not what I expected.

But definitely a little miracle.

***

I struggled a lot during my pregnancy: with my faith, with worries about money, with feeling inadequate to being able to care for 3 children, where I was going to put the 3 children, etc. Most of all, I worried about not being able to love him as much as I loved Grace and Adam. The pregnancy had been hard, and I just didn't feel the same connection or adoration for Josh that I did for Adam and Grace when I was pregnant.

On the second day in the NICU, Mike and I went down the hall to visit Josh. When we arrived, we found him screaming. The nurse was trying to console him, but wasn't having any luck. She handed him to Mike, and he kept screaming. Once I got all situated (I still had my IV and such in), he was handed to me. And immediately he stopped crying.

It was one of the sweetest experiences. He knew me. And I knew him.

And, just like the Grinch, my heart grew 3 sizes in that moment. Enough to fit in all three of my babies.

I loved him... oh, I loved him.

Another little miracle.

***

Our insurance company is obscure and they are contracted with no one. Essentially, the church insures itself and it's hard to find providers sometimes.

In every hospital visit we've had (Grace's head, Grace's arm, Grace's aspirated peanut, Grace's lip, Adam's croup, Adam's head) not ONE provider was ever contracted with our insurance. The hospitals were. Providers were not.

And in our insurance, we have a $6,000 in-network AND a $6,000 out-of-network deductible. They are in separate categories, and we were told at the beginning of the pregnancy that since we had no guarantee who our providers would be in the hospital, we could expect to pay the whole $12,000.

I tried to have faith that everything would work out, I really did. But, there was always the voice in the back of my mind that said, "There's no way it can work out." Because, how could it? Seeing a specialist and an OB 2-3 times a week was ridiculously expensive enough... what was going to happen in the hospital when they were all out-of-network? Sometimes I felt that I was barely holding on to that faith.

Especially when he got sent to the NICU for 6 days.

I received over 30 different EOBs from my insurance for our hospital stay. Twelve different doctors had been seen by Josh and I during our stay. Neonatologists, pediatric gastroenterologists, anesthesiologists, radiologists... basically, a whole lot of "-ologists."

I opened envelope after envelope as I received them in the mail, my mouth opened in disbelief as I opened each one, with tears rolling down my face.

Because every doctor we saw during the hospital stay was contracted. Every single one.

All in-network.

And if that's not a miracle, I don't know what is.

***