So, much of the reason for the secrecy regarding this pregnancy is that it took me a good while before I could come to terms with it.
Which pretty much makes me a horrible person. I know. But, I'm being honest here.
I pretty much cried the entire two months after we found out about baby #3.
Why?
- Because I didn't know how we were going to make it work.
- Because I felt guilty over crying over not knowing how we were going to make it work.
- Because I feel pretty inadequate in the parenting area.
- Because I didn't know how we were going to make it work.
- Because I felt guilty over crying over not knowing how we were going to make it work.
- Because I feel pretty inadequate in the parenting area.
- Because I felt guilty that a third baby would take away time from Adam and Grace.
- Because having just 2 children + a husband overwhelms me much of the time.
- Because I felt guilty for being overwhelmed at the thought of three children.
- Because having just 2 children + a husband overwhelms me much of the time.
- Because I felt guilty for being overwhelmed at the thought of three children.
- Because so many people can't have children. And I felt ungrateful.
- Because our insurance is a big, fat pain.
- Because my doctor wanted me to go to a perinatologist (because of problems with the first 2 pregnancies).
- Because no perinatolgists were contracted with my insurance.
- Because after my visit to the OBGYN, I found out that they were not contracted with the insurance (after both the doctor and insurance told me that they were. Grrr.).
However, after the first trimester my hormones settled down a bit. And I stopped crying quite so much.
So many things about having a baby don't make sense. Like not having the $10,000 or so that is our responsibility for the pregnancy + birth. And not having a place to live after the baby is born (no more than four people are allowed to live in our apartment). And the whole "I don't think we can fit another carseat in our car" thing.
Minor details, really.
- Because no perinatolgists were contracted with my insurance.
- Because after my visit to the OBGYN, I found out that they were not contracted with the insurance (after both the doctor and insurance told me that they were. Grrr.).
However, after the first trimester my hormones settled down a bit. And I stopped crying quite so much.
So many things about having a baby don't make sense. Like not having the $10,000 or so that is our responsibility for the pregnancy + birth. And not having a place to live after the baby is born (no more than four people are allowed to live in our apartment). And the whole "I don't think we can fit another carseat in our car" thing.
Minor details, really.
So, I don't know how things are going to work out there.
BUT, I have come to a conclusion that has helped me come to terms with our surprise. And feel peace and joy and excitement about being pregnant and welcoming another sweet spirit into our family.
BUT, I have come to a conclusion that has helped me come to terms with our surprise. And feel peace and joy and excitement about being pregnant and welcoming another sweet spirit into our family.
Because I realized that I do know one thing without a doubt.
That Heavenly Father wants this little spirit to come to our home now. And I know that He knows how it's all going to work out.
And that makes the rest of the stuff that I don't know seem okay.
That Heavenly Father wants this little spirit to come to our home now. And I know that He knows how it's all going to work out.
And that makes the rest of the stuff that I don't know seem okay.
(Oh, and the rest of the reason for the secrecy? Having a big secret is just plain fun.)
4 comments:
Allison, I love you so so much...you don't know how very much. If there is anything I can do...I will fly up in a heartbeat...You just tell me. And, my dear, you are the best, the most wonderful wife, mommy and just everything in the world. All 3 (that sounds just sooooo nice!!) of my grandbabies are the luckiest because they have you for a mommy. And, It All WILL work out...I promise!!!
Allison, I love your honesty. More than that I love your faith. You are right-- Heavenly Father wants this special spirit to come into your home. Your Mom is right-- your kids are so blessed to have you for a mom!!!
I don't think you're horrible at all. And I'm impressed by your faith. I think you're an awesome mom based on all the cute things you do with your kids!!
First of all, you do seem like an AMAZING mom. And your honesty is refreshing! Those feelings of fear and inadequacy are normal, but blessings will come when you least expect them!
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